Meeting Off-Line: How to Tell the Time is Right

Sure, the thrill of making a connection with someone online is exciting at first. He's attractive, has a good job as a lawyer and whaddya know? He's got a ferret, too. His is a Siamese, and yours is a Sable. But still, what are the chances? His email turns out to be witty and sincere:

ShrooBaby,
Hi. I'm new here, but I saw your picture and profile and thought we had a lot in common. Hey, what's your Sable Ferret's name? Mine's Roxanne. Write me back when you get a chance,
Max (Headroom87)

Before you respond, you call in the cavalry—forwarding his profile to your four closest gal pals. Most have wonderful things to say like, "adorable," "great catch" and "love that picture of him on the beach." Bitter Vanessa says his ears are too big, but she's probably just jealous he didn't contact her.

With the votes counted, you write him back, eagerly telling him about your ferret, Beck, which stirs up a week's worth of back-and-forth emails. You learn that he likes peanut butter but doesn't like peanuts. He learns that you have a secret obsession with professional bowling.

Time to meet in person?
Will a face-to-face ruin the whole fantasy of your online match? Watch for these four signs you're ready to take it off-line:

1. Sparks are flying
Come on, even through innocent email flirting, you can tell if you guys are as a hot as Tungsten or as cold as, well, some other element in the periodic table. And if it's sizzling online, just think what could happen without a computer between you.

2. Building anticipation
Are you giddy every time you get an instant message? Are you disappointed if it's just your friend Sally in the cube next to you? You know you've gotta see this guy in person, even if it's just to satisfy your curiosity.

3. Marathon phone calls
Maybe the two of you have already made the leap from cyberspace to cellphone. You enjoy talking to him so much that you're not even agitated when he calls before 9:00 p.m., when all your minutes are free. You could spend the next week having long conversations reminiscent of your junior high days or you could play like a grown-up and go out on a real date.

4. Dropping names
Has he asked you questions like, "Hey, have you tried Vito's, that new Italian restaurant downtown?" and then not followed up with an official invite? He's probably just testing the waters, and he's obviously a little shy. Give him some help next time and reply with, "No, I haven't, but we should go sometime."

If the signs are there and you decide to meet him off-line, plan your initial meeting in a public place. You could choose one of the restaurants he's been name-dropping, or maybe even the pet store to browse for ferrets. Meeting someone online is a great way to screen prospective dates, but eventually you've got to move it off-line. And trust me, your cutie will be a lot cuddlier than that keyboard of yours.
REFERENCE:
Meeting Offline: How to Tell the Time is Right

Love, Explained

Have you ever wondered how much of love is about the heart… and how much is about hormones? Whether love at first sight really exists… or is just something Hollywood conjured up? And what about chemistry—can you create it, or does it just happen? Most of us have pondered such issues, and we decided to get some answers. That’s why we sat down with noted anthropologist, Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University, who is also the author of such books as Why We Love. Her noteworthy career has been dedicated to understanding love—how and why it functions for us humans—and she sat down with us to share her fascinating insights.
Q: In a nutshell, why do we fall in love?Dr. Fisher: I’ve come to think that romantic love is one of three basic brain systems that evolved for reproduction. Each evolved for a reason: The sex drive evolved to get you out there looking for partners.Romantic love evolved to enable you to focus your energy on just one person at a time, conserving time and energy. And attachment, the feeling of security you can feel with a long-term partner, evolved to help you stay together long enough to raise kids.
Q: Why does being in love feel so good?Dr. Fisher: Because some of the most powerful brain circuits for pleasure are triggered. The main chemical involved is dopamine, which produces feelings of euphoria, energy, sleeplessness, and focused attention on your beloved. Biologically speaking, you’re experiencing something similar to a cocaine high.
Q: Is there such a thing as love at first sight?Dr. Fisher: Yes. It probably happens to men more than women because men are more visual, but I think we can all remember times when we felt an instant attraction to someone we barely knew. It has a practical purpose: In the animal kingdom you can’t spend three months discussing your résumé; you need to feel instant sparks to start the breeding process.
Q: Is falling in love all about timing?Dr. Fisher: Timing is important. The perfect partner can sit right next to you at a party, and you might not notice him or her if you’re too busy at work, enmeshed in another relationship, or otherwise preoccupied. But if you’ve just moved to a new city, recovered from an unsatisfying love affair, begun to make enough money to raise a family, are suffering through a difficult experience, or have a good deal of spare time, you are ripe to fall in love.
Q: Is there anything we can do to make someone fall for us (or make ourselves fall for someone)?Dr. Fisher: Do new things together. Novelty and excitement all drive up the activity of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. These neurotransmitters are associated with energy, elation, focused attention and motivation—central traits of romantic love. So as you do novel things, these chemicals hop into action and may just push you over the threshold to fall in love.
Q: Is there anything you can do to make yourself stop loving someone?Dr. Fisher: Some people, especially women, tend to talk about a failed relationship so much that they re-traumatize themselves. Instead, get rid of your ex’s cards and letters. Don’t call or write. Get some sunshine and exercise, because both can change brain chemistry.
Q: What’s the difference between love and lust?Dr. Fisher: Lust generally dissipates after having sex and returns hours or days later. You can feel it for several people at the same time and not necessarily feel jealous. But when you’re in love, you are very possessive. And romantic feelings don’t dissipate after having sex; in fact, they can intensify.
Q: Does having sex make people fall in love?Dr. Fisher: Having sex can trigger love—probably because after orgasm, there’s a peak in dopamine activity. So watch out if you casually bed down with someone—you might unintentionally fall for them.
Q: Do feelings of love die over time, and is there any way to bring them back?Dr. Fisher: The first intense period of love can last one to three years. After that, these feelings subside. But if two people are compatible, there are many ways to renew a flagging partnership. Novelty can spur romance; sex can trigger it, too. Do some of the things that you used to when you were first dating.

Q: How important a role does chemistry play in love?Dr. Fisher: I believe that when the chemistry of one personality meshes well with the chemistry of another, it will continually combust throughout the relationship—keeping both partners together and happy during dry spells when feelings of romance are low.
Q: How do men and women experience love differently?Dr. Fisher: Men fall in love faster than women do. Women take longer because they have to create a “memory trail” of their mate’s behaviors. She has to remember what he promised, what he’s done for the partnership, and what he failed to do.
Q: What do men look for in a mate?Dr. Fisher: Men are more likely to choose women who display signs of youth and beauty—the first time that they marry, men around the world tend to marry women who are three years younger than themselves. Men are also attracted to women who “need” them. Men want to be helpful.
Q: What do women look for in a mate?Dr. Fisher: Women are attracted to partners with money, status, and ambition—one study found that American women seek partners who offered financial security twice as frequently as men do. If men look for “sex objects,” then women look for “success objects.”
Q: Can someone truly love more than one person?Dr. Fisher: No. I think you can feel lust for more than one person, and feelings of attachment for more than one person. But not love. As the Indian aphorism goes, “The lane of love is narrow; there is room for only one.”

Q: What’s the biggest mistake people make when it comes to love?Dr. Fisher: Some people fall in love before they really know their partner and marry in this state of romantic rapture. They should probably wait until that intense early phase wears off so they can see the flaws in the relationship before they dive in for good.
Q: Having reviewed so much scientific data on love,what would be the most important thing we’ve learned? Dr. Fisher: To me, the most important thing that scientists have learned is that romantic love was not invented by the troubadours in 11th century France. We have now found love poetry from the ancient Sumerians written some 4,000 years ago, as well as evidence of romantic love in over 150 societies. It’s given me a deep sense of connection to people everywhere: We’re all alike in some basic and beautiful ways.

REFERENCE:
Love, Explained

Secrets of Great Conversation

Making successful small talk with someone you've just met isn't rocket science, but it does demand more effort than tossing out a tired opening line. The added pressure of a social situation — a date, a party, an encounter at a singles club — may tie your tongue into knots. The best thing is to ignore what's going on around you and concentrate on the person at hand. If you show that you are interested, you'll be surprised how quickly people open up.

To get the ball rolling, here are five practical principles for starting a conversation when you don't know what to say.

1. Flattery will get you everywhere.Make with the compliments to begin on a positive note. People are inclined to think well of you if you indicate you think well of them. The trick is picking out what to compliment without including some kind of sexual connotation.
2. Props. Women work hard choosing their accessories, and anyone who notices wins points. "Those shoes are sensational. Are they comfortable?"Check out a guy's tie, glasses and watch. Look at his feet. I have a mild-mannered cousin who indulges himself by choosing socks with wild patterns. Always carry a book or newspaper. Then, if your new acquaintance doesn't have anything obvious to remark on, you have, "Have you read this?"
3. Redirection. People love to share their enthusiasm for their hobbies. If you meet someone jogging, see if you can spark some shoptalk. And vice versa. If you're at work, ask them what they like to do to relax. Try to discover what is not obvious—the mind in the sexy blonde, the animal in the geek.
4. Ask more than yes/no questions. A question demands a response, which is the essence of conversational give-and-take. But a yes/no query can bog you down in monosyllables. Think like a reporter: Ask who, what, when, where and why. Instead of, "Did you see the latest Bruce Willis movie?" try, "What did you think of it?"
5. Listen, really listen, to the other person. Shy people who have trouble making conversation are so anxious about what they are going to say next that they don't listen to what the other person says. Every answer to your intriguing questions opens up new conversational avenues to explore. Follow up on those leads. As an added bonus, the more you concentrate on the other person, the less your palms will sweat, the fewer words for you to stumble over. And your new acquaintance is bound to be charmed by your astute appreciation of his or her own sterling qualities.
REFERENCE: Secrets of Great Conversation

The Secret Lives of Happy Couples

We all know a couple like this: After years together they still hold hands, make each other laugh and blush, get along famously, and seem to enjoy a dynamite groove the rest of us envy. But what really goes on behind the scenes? Have these two soulmates actually found their perfect match in this big wide world, or are there secrets and strategies to making sure that romantic spirit continues to flourish over time?

In order to maintain the magic and sustain the spark, happy couples know they must:

Start solid. Remember that best friend you had when you were a kid? Whether blissfully playing side-by-side in the sandbox or building an awesome fort together, you two just grooved on being in each other's presence. Happy couples share that same serendipitous groove, if in the all-grown-up world. Romantic chemistry aside, they genuinely like each other as people and truly enjoy walking down the path of life hand-in-hand.

Keep it fresh. Routines and traditions can give a couple a comforting sense of predictability that's both grounding and reassuring. But surprises and adventures are also essential to really keeping that spark alive. Happy couples make a habit of shaking things up a bit by planning weekend getaways to undiscovered destinations, saving their pennies for a dream vacation, or launching fun and ambitious projects together. Having exciting things on the calendar to look forward to and sharing new adventures together reaffirms their connectedness and refuels the romance.

Clear the air. It's perfectly natural for any couple to encounter frustrations, disappointments, and miscommunications from time to time. But if grievances go unaired, they can pile up to a mountain of resentment and put the relationship at risk. Happy couples make sure they keep the communication open, and navigate those inevitable rough spots with honesty and mutual respect. If any issues should arise that seem too big or too complex to resolve between the two of them, they'll schedule some sessions with a couples therapist to help them safely weather the storm.

Have a life. A healthy relationship consists of two individuals who each maintain a strong sense of themselves and take a genuine interest in the other. One may decide to go back to school to pursue a higher degree, while the other may get involved in a volunteer project or a photography workshop. Maintaining individual identities and pursuing individual interests ensures that there'll always be new things to share and to learn about each other.

Tune it up. Whether it be once a month or once a year, a regularly scheduled sit-down can allow for some essential upkeep and maintenance of a healthy relationship. Happy couples may agree to a periodic summit meeting to check in with one another about the overall well-being of their partnership. They may discuss what they've been appreciating about one another, what dynamics could use some tweaking, and what is on the horizon for their future as a couple. A little preventative TLC from time to time helps keep those relationship engines running smoothly.

REFERENCE:
The Secret Lives of Happy Couples

Crucial Characteristics of Lasting Love

First comes that split second of physical attraction. Next that thrilling feeling of chemistry. But when the veil of romance starts to lift, what's life really like off the dance floor?

Too often, love is blind.
When Jenny and Michael met, they were instantly attracted to each other. Those electrifying sparks started flying. In an exciting whirlwind of parties and romantic dates, they swept each other off their feet. They decided to get married and live happily ever after. Years later the hormones had calmed down (and so had the fireworks). When the smoke cleared, the mismatches started to emerge. Her passion to shop and his questionable money decisions created constant financial stress. He liked to hang with the guys at the bar. She loved to go to the theater with friends. They disagreed on children and family values, especially religion. Communication broke down. Eventually, they grew apart.

Sound familiar? A physical and chemical match is essential at the start, but the excitement of a budding new romance eventually wears off. Making thoughtful dating decisions can mean the difference between revolving relationships and finding lasting love.

Dating experts outline seven match areas to consider:

Physical appearance
While physical appearance and attraction draw two people together at first, these aspects will affect the rest of their lives. If working out and staying fit is important to you, will it bum you out if your mate doesn't share your quest for rock hard abs?

Emotional maturity
Is this person emotionally mature and centered or are they still lugging around some trunk-sized baggage? How does your sweetheart relate to family and friends? Is he or she emotionally supportive or have control issues? Is your mate aware of his or her own issues and interested in addressing them?

Lifestyle choices
This includes career and social lives, common interests, leisure time activities and energy levels. Would she rather join the bowling league or the metropolitan symphony? Does he have lots of energy for activities with friends while she'd rather rest and chill out at home?

Financial style
This is a hot bed for most couples. It includes income levels, financial goals and views on handling money. How do you each want to spend, save and invest? Is one person a spender while the other saves? Is one person financially responsible while the other plays catch-up with child support and bills?

Value structure
This match area is often overlooked but has a tremendous impact on your life. It includes the big values: Honesty, integrity, loyalty, views on family and children, religion and spirituality, life goals and the treatment and care for others. Does your mate follow through on her word? Would you say he's trustworthy? Will she always be there for you in a pinch?

Marriage and sex
Everyone does not share the same idea of marriage. The big questions to address are: What do you and your mate expect from marriage and sex? Is he or she looking for a soul mate? Do you both want close intimacy in friendship, communication and sex?

Intelligence
Having similar education levels increases your chances of sharing matching school and social experiences, intellectual interests and career goals. What topics do you and your honey like to talk about? Conversation limited to sports or shopping may get boring to someone who likes to ponder philosophy and bluster about business.
While you don't have to match exactly in each area, look at the big picture and make sure you match closely enough in the important areas of your life.

REFERENCE:
Crucial Characteristics of Lasting Love

Creative Christmas Love Notes

The Happy Home Fairy has done it again...

You may remember her cute lil' Thanksgiving love notes. These ones are for Christmas.

She instructs you to "hide these cards in his laptop case, the visor in his car, under his pillow at night, taped under the lid of the toilet seat, or one in his stocking each day… be creative and have a Merry Christmas with that man of your dreams!"

Download the cards on her blog HERE.

Word Warped Anniversary Gift

Each year, hubby and I rotate who plans the anniversary date or event. This year, he had event-duty which left me with getting him a gift (nothing too elaborate, of course). I decided rather than wrap his gift, I'd make him work for it.

There is an app on our iPhones called Word Warp that we've both been into lately, so I warped the letters of his gift and watched as his mind went to work!

This is what he was trying to solve:
(the letters given spell out lots of different 3+ letter words...the biggest word they spell is "motocross"...which is the word I wanted him to get at.)

Once he solved it, his anniversary gift was revealed: Tickets to a Freestyle Motocross Show!

So, here's the lesson application to you:

....you've gotta put a little excitement ahead of a gift like this. Although it's something he may REALLY want (he's been asking for 5 years to go to a motocross show with me), it's pretty boring to just hand over some tickets or something of the sort. You don't have to do word-warp, of course, but get creative in doing something personal to both of you. Make a mini-event of it and it's sure to be more fun...for both of you!

I'd love to hear your ideas, of course, so send your tips and examples my way!

loveactuallyblog @ hotmail.com

Under the Mistletoe...

Don't forget about a cute little way to sneak an extra kiss or two this holiday season....hang some mistletoe in a conspicuous space and lure your hunny underneath it.

Design-Aholic dressed hers up just a tad so it doesn't look like you have a dead plant hanging from your ceiling. :)

Check out her post HERE.

Merry Kissmas to you and yours!

Merry Christmas, Deer!

Christmas is only getting closer...still wondering what to get hubby?

RomanticMarriages.com offers an all-inclusive “Merry Christmas Deer” romance kit.


This kit makes it so easy to have a little holiday fun and frolic with your husband. The kit begins with a “good boy” letter for your man that says… “The elves reported you’ve been a good boy by being my man through the year, so Santa decided you’d get what YOU want. Delivery will be by his deer!”

You then visit him on the nights leading up to Christmas as Santa’s sexy and slightly naughty deer. Each deer delivers her own gift that makes a very unique memory. (All gifts are included in the kit with the exception of a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant.) The kit is great at creating genuine anticipation as your man wonders which of Santa’s deer are visiting next? With the arrival of the first deer, “Flasher” (Dasher’s naughty twin) your holiday fun begins!

The girls at Romantic Marriages have done all the work for you... so you get to have all the fun!

You can order the kit over HERE!