Jokes About Love, Dating, Relationships, and Middle Age

The following are from a great book by Jimmy Carr & Lucy Greeves called The Naked Jape: Uncovering the Hidden World of Jokes [Penguin, 2006.].  In it, the authors examine what’s funny and why. The Times called it “The best book about jokes ever.”

If rhino horn is such a powerful aphrodisiac, why are rhinos an endangered species?
- Rory McGrath

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, ‘I guess we answered that question.’

I’m single by choice. Not my choice.
- Orny Adams

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know  a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
- Mitch Hedberg

I was on a date with this really attractive model. Well, it wasn’t really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
- Dave Attell

I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
- Garry Shandling

I’m not a breast man. I’m a breast person.
- John Wilson

A very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time. One to cook, one to clean, I think.
- Jimmy Carr

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two.’
- Emo Philips

My girlfriend used to think that magazines like GQ and Maxim were pornographic — until she found my real stash.
- Jimmy Carr

The following are from The Comedy Thesaurus: 3,241 Quips, Quotes, and Smartass Remarks [ Quirk, 2005].

A truly honest personal ad would say, ‘I want to date myself, only with more money.’
- Maureen Brownsey

I have bad luck with women. A woman I was dating told me on the phone, “I have to go, there’s a telemarketer on the other line.”
- Zach Galifianakis

It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said “Guess again.”
- Skip Stephenson

My last girlfriend was pretty wild in bed. She used to cover me from head to toe with oil, and then set me on fire.
- David Corrado

The following are from The Penguin Dictionary of Jokes [Penguin, 1993]. Fred Metcalf has compiled an anthology of jokes and quips covering many subjects.  This collection is very handy for writers and speakers looking for topical jokes, and it’s also just fun to read through. A lot of the jokes are really old, though 

I went out on this blind date. I was hoping for a vision, but she turned out to be a sight.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth — so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Our courtship was fast and furious. I was fast and she was furious.

A man like him is certainly hard to find. Tonight, for instance, I had to look in three pubs and a wine bar.

Middle age is when, if you have a choice between two temptations, you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

WIFE: Derek Jones next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish you’d do that.
HUSBAND: But I hardly know the woman!

Finding A Girlfriend/Boyfriend

Finding a special someone can be tricky. Here's some advice about where to start, getting out there and not panicking if it doesn't happen straight away...

The agony of choice

With all those millions of fit, eligible fish in the sea, you'd think it would be easy to find a suitable boyfriend or girlfriend. But sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world.

One by one, all those fish get ticked off the list. Either they're not the right one for you, or worse still they're perfect - but aren't interested.

So how do you go about finding that special someone?

Trial and error

You can't expect to get it right first time, so going on dates is a good way to test people out. Most of us go through our share of dull hotties, exciting weirdos, nasty charmers and kind ogres in the quest for true romance. Either that or it's a long barren spell. Experimenting is good, even if only to make us realise what we don't want.

Get out there

You need a bit of luck to find someone good, but you can make your own luck. That simply means putting yourself in situations where you meet new people. It could be a party, an after-school club, a new hobby, the gym, a charity event, a speed-dating event or even a website. You don't have to hold up a sign saying 'I'm single'. Just be approachable and friendly and who knows what might happen. You could work on your chatting-up skills too.

Don't panic

If it never seems to happen, remember there's no rush, especially when you're young and fancy-free. Some people have a new snogging partner every week, but you have to ask yourself whether you want a fling or something more meaningful. If it's the latter, you might have to be patient before you hook up with your prize catch.

Age of consent

Age of consent is the age that you're allowed to have sex. So if you're thinking about doing it, you'd better check out the laws and guidelines here first...

What is it?

The age at which you can legally have sex.

What are the rules?

• In England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales we have to be 16 or older to have homosexual (gay) or heterosexual (straight) sex.
• 'Sex' means penetrative sex, oral sex or masturbating together.

What happens if you have underage sex?

The law sees it as sexual assault - it's a criminal offence. This is because in the eyes of the law we are unable to give informed consent to sex when still a child.

• A boy who has sex with a girl under 16 (17 in NI) is breaking the law. Even if she agrees.
• If she is 13-15, the boy could go to prison for two years.
• If she is under 13 he could be sentenced to life imprisonment.
• A girl age 16 or over who has sex with a boy under 16 can be prosecuted for indecent assault.

The law isn't there to make life difficult. It's there to protect us. Everyone is ready for sex at different ages. But the law has to generalise. To protect those who are most vulnerable, from exploitation.

There is no law against asking questions. Or finding out about sex. What it means, how to do it, how to protect ourselves from the consequences: pregnancy, STIs. And broken heart.

So, once you're 16 it's OK to have sex?

It's legal, except with someone who's in a 'position of trust' over us. This includes teachers, carers and doctors, who we trust to look after us. It's illegal for them to have sex with under-18s in their care.

Just because we've blown out 16 candles on our birthday cake, doesn't mean we're ready for sex. Do what feels right for you. Just make sure you understand what sex is about and get clued-up on safe sex and contraception before you do anything.
 

Warning over 'untrustworthy' sex health websites

Many young people worried about sexual health problems shun traditional health services for potentially untrustworthy websites, a poll suggests.

The Information Standard - a government-backed scheme to improve the reliability of health information - surveyed 1,200 18-24-year-olds.

The research showed eight in 10 relied on the internet for help without being aware of the authenticity of the sites.

Experts said it was essential the young sought help from official channels.

Nearly two-thirds of participants reported never having had a sexual health screening.

Their reluctance to use official NHS services was blamed on embarrassment and a lack of awareness about the seriousness of conditions.

Informed advice

Where young people do rely on the internet, the Information Standard said it was important to use reliable sites, such as those produced by the NHS, local authorities or leading charities.

Official and authenticated sites carry the Information Standard brand. Ann Robinson, director of public awareness at the Information Standard, said: "We want all young people to understand how to spot a trustworthy site.

 "Just because it ranks high in the search engine, for example, does not mean that it will provide informed advice."

 Dominic Edwardes, of the Terrence Higgins Trust charity, said: "Sexually transmitted infection rates are worryingly high amongst young people, accounting for more than half of all new diagnoses in England in 2010.

"To reduce these figures we need to make sure that young people are equipped with trustworthy advice and understand how to have safe protected sex."

Good Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That

Hanging with the GuysNot That: Cheer really loudly, chug beers, or tell off-color jokes.Let's put it this way: It's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.

Giving Him GiftsDo This: Buy him tickets.Present him with two tickets to see his favorite team or band and you'll win major points for being thoughtful and creative.

Giving Him GiftsNot That: Get him a sweater.He gets plenty of clothes from his mom. And you don't want him to associate you with her, do you? Didn't think so.

Leaving Stuff at His PlaceDo This: "Forget" your necklace.Leave behind a pretty, delicate piece of jewelry (such as a little gold necklace) and he'll think of you in similar terms every time he sees it.

Leaving Stuff at His PlaceNot That: Leave a toothbrush in his bathroom.An unsolicited toothbrush or other toiletry will give him the impression you're moving too fast — and may freak him out.

Sending Him TextsDo This: Type "Last night was amazing. Repeat 2night?"Keeping your message short and provocative will ensure he stays totally intrigued.

Sending Him TextsNot That: Send a message that's more than two sentences.To him, texting is for quick communication. Sending him a novel is analogous to a droning phone call. Read more: How To Be a Good Girlfriend - Tips On How To Be a Better Girlfriend - Cosmopolitan

Datevitation Giveaway & Smart Phone Date

This is a guest post by Alex Karpman, founder of Datevitation.com, the web’s first custom love coupon platform where you can create a one-of-a-kind gift book full of fun things to do with your sweetie, or send electronic love coupons via email or facebook.

We are so excited to have the opportunity to guest post on this wonderful blog. While our signature product at Datevitation are custom love coupons, my fiancee Olga and I are dedicating a ton of energy to our video blog, where we offer free step-by-step video guides to date ideas and romantic gestures that we hope you can use to help keep your relationship fresh and exciting. We hope to someday offer the quality and breadth of posts that Cher has created here at Love Actually.

Today, I thought I’d share with you what I have discovered to be a fantastic resource for great date ideas... the Apple App store. I guess it shouldn't be all that surprising because, as the saying goes, there is an app for everything! While technology isn’t typically viewed as very romantic, it turns out that there are many applications that provide the perfect springboard for a great date. For example, in the video below, Olga and I show you how we spent an afternoon

together at the beach snapping fun photos with our iPhone camera, and then used a few photography applications to turn those pictures into something truly special and unique. We had a blast taking the photos, and even more fun playing around with the different filters and effects. If you are not an iPhone user, don’t fret. There are applications in the Android App Store that can accomplish virtually the same effects.

While your Smartphone’s app store can be a great source for date ideas, it can be a daunting task to research and select appropriate apps. Indeed, as of the time of this publication, there are over 500,000 apps in the Apple app store! We decided to do the hard work for you, and created a free video series on 7 fantastic dates you can have using your Smartphone from dining out to movie night to working out together. You can get the video series for free on our homepage at Datevitation.com.

As mentioned above, one of our products is our e-Date platform -- where you can send custom love coupons electronically via email or facebook. We charge $12 per year for an e-Date membership (which allows you to send unlimited love coupons), but we have created a completely free e-Date for the Love Actually community relating to the Smartphone date that is the subject of the video above. We encourage you to use our e-Date to invite your special someone on this wonderful date!

You can find the free e-date HERE!

We hope you’ll visit us on our blog for more great date ideas and be sure to check out our books! We’re happy to offer free shipping on our books this week only to Love Actually readers. Just enter the code -- loveactually - at the checkout page, and you’ll be discounted the $3.50 that we normally charge for shipping if you order by May 27.

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How FUN! Thanks, Alex for some fun inspiration and a great freebie! Alex wanted to leave you with a chance at a terrific giveaway from Datevitation.....a free Datevitation gift book. Seriously, these books are REALLY cool and so easy to make online! So, get yourself entered!

To Qualify:

1. Be a Follower of Love Actually Blog ----------> 2. Comment with your thoughts on the video and/or suggestions of SmartPhone applications that you think could be the basis of a great date

Extra Entry:- Post a Facebook status about this giveaway and leave one extra comment saying you did.

Random Giveaway ends on  5/29/2012 at midnight EST.

YouTube Date Night

Meet Camille & Jacob Whiting.

They love their Friday Night Date Nights. and...even better, they love sharing their ideas on their blog, Friday We're In Love. They created a collection of hilarious YouTube video clips to share with YOU for your next stay-at-home date night.

The collection is free, clean, and funny! 

They also provided some awesome suggestions for dinner and a movie treat! 

Check out their blog post HERE and the YouTube Channel HERE.
{Thanks for sharing, Camille!}