Jokes About Love, Dating, Relationships, and Middle Age

The following are from a great book by Jimmy Carr & Lucy Greeves called The Naked Jape: Uncovering the Hidden World of Jokes [Penguin, 2006.].  In it, the authors examine what’s funny and why. The Times called it “The best book about jokes ever.”

If rhino horn is such a powerful aphrodisiac, why are rhinos an endangered species?
- Rory McGrath

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, ‘I guess we answered that question.’

I’m single by choice. Not my choice.
- Orny Adams

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know  a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
- Mitch Hedberg

I was on a date with this really attractive model. Well, it wasn’t really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
- Dave Attell

I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
- Garry Shandling

I’m not a breast man. I’m a breast person.
- John Wilson

A very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time. One to cook, one to clean, I think.
- Jimmy Carr

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two.’
- Emo Philips

My girlfriend used to think that magazines like GQ and Maxim were pornographic — until she found my real stash.
- Jimmy Carr

The following are from The Comedy Thesaurus: 3,241 Quips, Quotes, and Smartass Remarks [ Quirk, 2005].

A truly honest personal ad would say, ‘I want to date myself, only with more money.’
- Maureen Brownsey

I have bad luck with women. A woman I was dating told me on the phone, “I have to go, there’s a telemarketer on the other line.”
- Zach Galifianakis

It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said “Guess again.”
- Skip Stephenson

My last girlfriend was pretty wild in bed. She used to cover me from head to toe with oil, and then set me on fire.
- David Corrado

The following are from The Penguin Dictionary of Jokes [Penguin, 1993]. Fred Metcalf has compiled an anthology of jokes and quips covering many subjects.  This collection is very handy for writers and speakers looking for topical jokes, and it’s also just fun to read through. A lot of the jokes are really old, though 

I went out on this blind date. I was hoping for a vision, but she turned out to be a sight.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth — so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Our courtship was fast and furious. I was fast and she was furious.

A man like him is certainly hard to find. Tonight, for instance, I had to look in three pubs and a wine bar.

Middle age is when, if you have a choice between two temptations, you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

WIFE: Derek Jones next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish you’d do that.
HUSBAND: But I hardly know the woman!