Jokes About Love, Dating, Relationships, and Middle Age

The following are from a great book by Jimmy Carr & Lucy Greeves called The Naked Jape: Uncovering the Hidden World of Jokes [Penguin, 2006.].  In it, the authors examine what’s funny and why. The Times called it “The best book about jokes ever.”

If rhino horn is such a powerful aphrodisiac, why are rhinos an endangered species?
- Rory McGrath

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, ‘I guess we answered that question.’

I’m single by choice. Not my choice.
- Orny Adams

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know  a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
- Mitch Hedberg

I was on a date with this really attractive model. Well, it wasn’t really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
- Dave Attell

I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.
- Garry Shandling

I’m not a breast man. I’m a breast person.
- John Wilson

A very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time. One to cook, one to clean, I think.
- Jimmy Carr

I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two.’
- Emo Philips

My girlfriend used to think that magazines like GQ and Maxim were pornographic — until she found my real stash.
- Jimmy Carr

The following are from The Comedy Thesaurus: 3,241 Quips, Quotes, and Smartass Remarks [ Quirk, 2005].

A truly honest personal ad would say, ‘I want to date myself, only with more money.’
- Maureen Brownsey

I have bad luck with women. A woman I was dating told me on the phone, “I have to go, there’s a telemarketer on the other line.”
- Zach Galifianakis

It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said “Guess again.”
- Skip Stephenson

My last girlfriend was pretty wild in bed. She used to cover me from head to toe with oil, and then set me on fire.
- David Corrado

The following are from The Penguin Dictionary of Jokes [Penguin, 1993]. Fred Metcalf has compiled an anthology of jokes and quips covering many subjects.  This collection is very handy for writers and speakers looking for topical jokes, and it’s also just fun to read through. A lot of the jokes are really old, though 

I went out on this blind date. I was hoping for a vision, but she turned out to be a sight.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth — so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

Our courtship was fast and furious. I was fast and she was furious.

A man like him is certainly hard to find. Tonight, for instance, I had to look in three pubs and a wine bar.

Middle age is when, if you have a choice between two temptations, you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

WIFE: Derek Jones next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish you’d do that.
HUSBAND: But I hardly know the woman!

Finding A Girlfriend/Boyfriend

Finding a special someone can be tricky. Here's some advice about where to start, getting out there and not panicking if it doesn't happen straight away...

The agony of choice

With all those millions of fit, eligible fish in the sea, you'd think it would be easy to find a suitable boyfriend or girlfriend. But sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world.

One by one, all those fish get ticked off the list. Either they're not the right one for you, or worse still they're perfect - but aren't interested.

So how do you go about finding that special someone?

Trial and error

You can't expect to get it right first time, so going on dates is a good way to test people out. Most of us go through our share of dull hotties, exciting weirdos, nasty charmers and kind ogres in the quest for true romance. Either that or it's a long barren spell. Experimenting is good, even if only to make us realise what we don't want.

Get out there

You need a bit of luck to find someone good, but you can make your own luck. That simply means putting yourself in situations where you meet new people. It could be a party, an after-school club, a new hobby, the gym, a charity event, a speed-dating event or even a website. You don't have to hold up a sign saying 'I'm single'. Just be approachable and friendly and who knows what might happen. You could work on your chatting-up skills too.

Don't panic

If it never seems to happen, remember there's no rush, especially when you're young and fancy-free. Some people have a new snogging partner every week, but you have to ask yourself whether you want a fling or something more meaningful. If it's the latter, you might have to be patient before you hook up with your prize catch.

Age of consent

Age of consent is the age that you're allowed to have sex. So if you're thinking about doing it, you'd better check out the laws and guidelines here first...

What is it?

The age at which you can legally have sex.

What are the rules?

• In England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales we have to be 16 or older to have homosexual (gay) or heterosexual (straight) sex.
• 'Sex' means penetrative sex, oral sex or masturbating together.

What happens if you have underage sex?

The law sees it as sexual assault - it's a criminal offence. This is because in the eyes of the law we are unable to give informed consent to sex when still a child.

• A boy who has sex with a girl under 16 (17 in NI) is breaking the law. Even if she agrees.
• If she is 13-15, the boy could go to prison for two years.
• If she is under 13 he could be sentenced to life imprisonment.
• A girl age 16 or over who has sex with a boy under 16 can be prosecuted for indecent assault.

The law isn't there to make life difficult. It's there to protect us. Everyone is ready for sex at different ages. But the law has to generalise. To protect those who are most vulnerable, from exploitation.

There is no law against asking questions. Or finding out about sex. What it means, how to do it, how to protect ourselves from the consequences: pregnancy, STIs. And broken heart.

So, once you're 16 it's OK to have sex?

It's legal, except with someone who's in a 'position of trust' over us. This includes teachers, carers and doctors, who we trust to look after us. It's illegal for them to have sex with under-18s in their care.

Just because we've blown out 16 candles on our birthday cake, doesn't mean we're ready for sex. Do what feels right for you. Just make sure you understand what sex is about and get clued-up on safe sex and contraception before you do anything.
 

Warning over 'untrustworthy' sex health websites

Many young people worried about sexual health problems shun traditional health services for potentially untrustworthy websites, a poll suggests.

The Information Standard - a government-backed scheme to improve the reliability of health information - surveyed 1,200 18-24-year-olds.

The research showed eight in 10 relied on the internet for help without being aware of the authenticity of the sites.

Experts said it was essential the young sought help from official channels.

Nearly two-thirds of participants reported never having had a sexual health screening.

Their reluctance to use official NHS services was blamed on embarrassment and a lack of awareness about the seriousness of conditions.

Informed advice

Where young people do rely on the internet, the Information Standard said it was important to use reliable sites, such as those produced by the NHS, local authorities or leading charities.

Official and authenticated sites carry the Information Standard brand. Ann Robinson, director of public awareness at the Information Standard, said: "We want all young people to understand how to spot a trustworthy site.

 "Just because it ranks high in the search engine, for example, does not mean that it will provide informed advice."

 Dominic Edwardes, of the Terrence Higgins Trust charity, said: "Sexually transmitted infection rates are worryingly high amongst young people, accounting for more than half of all new diagnoses in England in 2010.

"To reduce these figures we need to make sure that young people are equipped with trustworthy advice and understand how to have safe protected sex."

Good Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That

Hanging with the GuysNot That: Cheer really loudly, chug beers, or tell off-color jokes.Let's put it this way: It's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.

Giving Him GiftsDo This: Buy him tickets.Present him with two tickets to see his favorite team or band and you'll win major points for being thoughtful and creative.

Giving Him GiftsNot That: Get him a sweater.He gets plenty of clothes from his mom. And you don't want him to associate you with her, do you? Didn't think so.

Leaving Stuff at His PlaceDo This: "Forget" your necklace.Leave behind a pretty, delicate piece of jewelry (such as a little gold necklace) and he'll think of you in similar terms every time he sees it.

Leaving Stuff at His PlaceNot That: Leave a toothbrush in his bathroom.An unsolicited toothbrush or other toiletry will give him the impression you're moving too fast — and may freak him out.

Sending Him TextsDo This: Type "Last night was amazing. Repeat 2night?"Keeping your message short and provocative will ensure he stays totally intrigued.

Sending Him TextsNot That: Send a message that's more than two sentences.To him, texting is for quick communication. Sending him a novel is analogous to a droning phone call. Read more: How To Be a Good Girlfriend - Tips On How To Be a Better Girlfriend - Cosmopolitan

Datevitation Giveaway & Smart Phone Date

This is a guest post by Alex Karpman, founder of Datevitation.com, the web’s first custom love coupon platform where you can create a one-of-a-kind gift book full of fun things to do with your sweetie, or send electronic love coupons via email or facebook.

We are so excited to have the opportunity to guest post on this wonderful blog. While our signature product at Datevitation are custom love coupons, my fiancee Olga and I are dedicating a ton of energy to our video blog, where we offer free step-by-step video guides to date ideas and romantic gestures that we hope you can use to help keep your relationship fresh and exciting. We hope to someday offer the quality and breadth of posts that Cher has created here at Love Actually.

Today, I thought I’d share with you what I have discovered to be a fantastic resource for great date ideas... the Apple App store. I guess it shouldn't be all that surprising because, as the saying goes, there is an app for everything! While technology isn’t typically viewed as very romantic, it turns out that there are many applications that provide the perfect springboard for a great date. For example, in the video below, Olga and I show you how we spent an afternoon

together at the beach snapping fun photos with our iPhone camera, and then used a few photography applications to turn those pictures into something truly special and unique. We had a blast taking the photos, and even more fun playing around with the different filters and effects. If you are not an iPhone user, don’t fret. There are applications in the Android App Store that can accomplish virtually the same effects.

While your Smartphone’s app store can be a great source for date ideas, it can be a daunting task to research and select appropriate apps. Indeed, as of the time of this publication, there are over 500,000 apps in the Apple app store! We decided to do the hard work for you, and created a free video series on 7 fantastic dates you can have using your Smartphone from dining out to movie night to working out together. You can get the video series for free on our homepage at Datevitation.com.

As mentioned above, one of our products is our e-Date platform -- where you can send custom love coupons electronically via email or facebook. We charge $12 per year for an e-Date membership (which allows you to send unlimited love coupons), but we have created a completely free e-Date for the Love Actually community relating to the Smartphone date that is the subject of the video above. We encourage you to use our e-Date to invite your special someone on this wonderful date!

You can find the free e-date HERE!

We hope you’ll visit us on our blog for more great date ideas and be sure to check out our books! We’re happy to offer free shipping on our books this week only to Love Actually readers. Just enter the code -- loveactually - at the checkout page, and you’ll be discounted the $3.50 that we normally charge for shipping if you order by May 27.

-----------

How FUN! Thanks, Alex for some fun inspiration and a great freebie! Alex wanted to leave you with a chance at a terrific giveaway from Datevitation.....a free Datevitation gift book. Seriously, these books are REALLY cool and so easy to make online! So, get yourself entered!

To Qualify:

1. Be a Follower of Love Actually Blog ----------> 2. Comment with your thoughts on the video and/or suggestions of SmartPhone applications that you think could be the basis of a great date

Extra Entry:- Post a Facebook status about this giveaway and leave one extra comment saying you did.

Random Giveaway ends on  5/29/2012 at midnight EST.

YouTube Date Night

Meet Camille & Jacob Whiting.

They love their Friday Night Date Nights. and...even better, they love sharing their ideas on their blog, Friday We're In Love. They created a collection of hilarious YouTube video clips to share with YOU for your next stay-at-home date night.

The collection is free, clean, and funny! 

They also provided some awesome suggestions for dinner and a movie treat! 

Check out their blog post HERE and the YouTube Channel HERE.
{Thanks for sharing, Camille!}

The Top 10 Lies Men Tell Women

1. “I don’t have a girlfriend/wife.” Oh, yeah? Well, you sure look like you do.

2. “I’m not drunk.” Dude, we can smell the PBRs on your breath from here. Give us a break. ‘Fess up to your booze fest.

3. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” Translation: “I’m not looking for a relationship with YOU right now.” That’s OK. We’re on to the next one.

4. “I don’t want to talk about it.” If the most common lie women tell is, “I’m fine,” the male version is, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Yes, you do. In fact, you already are.

5. “I’m not interested in you just for the sex.” Gotcha. We should probably do stuff other than, you know, have sex. If that’s the case.

6. “I always wear a condom.” Also, Santa Claus is real. And I’m dating the Easter Bunny. And Thomas Jefferson is my BFF.

7. “I’m leaving her for you.” Quit talking about it and do it already.

8. “I’ll call you.” O RLY?

9. “I don’t think she’s that pretty.” We love it when you lie like this. Tell this lie all the time. This lie is good.

10. “I don’t watch porn.” No way! Me neither! Porn is terrible! Vomiting noises.

Reference

How to Have Anal Sex For the First Time

An estimated one-fourth of straight couples have had anal sex. How-to advice.   
There's no "right" way to begin exploring, but it's probably wise to start with something less ambitious than a penis. Richard and Lola* had been together for four months when he put his hand on her butt during sex. "I realized I really wanted to put my finger in her ass, but I was hesitant because we'd never done that before," says Richard, a 34-year-old physicist in San Francisco.

"Without a word, she grabbed my hand and put it there for me. It was amazing."
Later, in the middle of particularly intense sex, an overzealous Richard aimed himself a bit too far south. He realized his mistake and pulled away, but Lola pulled him back. They proceeded to have first-time, undiscussed anal sex without lube—and loved it.

"I've since discovered that's not a good way to do it," says Lola, 32, a lawyer. "But that night I had the most powerful orgasm of my life. It's one of the hottest things you can do, but you definitely have to be in the mood. Someone can't just spring it on you."

Outside of MTV shows and "family" comedies, most people aren't eager to talk about their butts—especially with their partners. But it doesn't need to be a face-reddening experience. "If you and your partner speak openly and directly about sex, then be open and direct about your anal desires," Taormino says. "If you're unsure about how your partner may respond, bring it up in an indirect way." 

When you decide to try it out, go very slowly. Most couples agree that anal sex only works when both people are very turned on, so spend time building up to it doing whatever gets you going—oral sex, vaginal sex, watching old episodes of Hart to Hart. And remember what Mother told you: Anything you stick up a butt should be generously coated with a heavy water-based lube like Astroglide Gel or Maximus. The Frisky: 6 Things Not To Do On A First Date

That can't be stressed enough. Unlike the vagina and much like the internal combustion engine, the anus is not self-lubricating. Insufficiently lubed, you're susceptible to tiny internal tears, which can cause pain and infection, and encourage the spread of STDs. But that doesn't mean anal sex is inherently more dangerous. As long as you use a condom and there's enough lube, you'll be reasonably safe. To avoid nasty bacterial infections, remember that it's like stroking a porcupine: You can go front to back, but never back to front.

Sex toys can augment the experience. Nonporous, easy-to-clean silicone is the best material for butt plugs, vibrators, or dildos; a flared base will prevent an awkward trip to the ER for, uh, extraction. "We started with a small butt plug we got online," says Heather, a 38-year-old New York City nonprofit executive who convinced her husband—yes, he was the wary one—to try anal. "Then we moved on to sex, and it was totally unique. I have to do it in a place where no one else is around because I'm worried about people hearing me—I'm always a lot louder."

No single position is ideal, but the receiver should be in control. Missionary works; woman-on-top lets her control the depth of penetration; and spooning allows the man a perfect angle. Doggie-style provides great G-spot stimulation, with the woman either on all fours or with her head on the bed and butt in the air (yogis call it "Foraging Anteater Pose"). To make sure the man doesn't thrust too deep, he should enter, stop, and wait for her to get used to the feeling.

Or is it the other way around?

"The ass is the most democratic orifice—we all have one," Taormino begins ominously. "What lots of men don't realize is just how good it can feel for them, because the prostate gland can be directly stimulated. In fact, every man should get f---ed in the ass at least once before he dies."

Maybe this isn't an idea everyone is totally comfortable with, but turnabout is fair anal play.

*Names in this story have been changed

Reference

Awewahoo! Hawaiian Themed Date Night at Home

warning: If you tend to blush at the thought of anything of the romantic risque sort, then turn around, my friends. It's not too late to hit the "back" button. This idea is meant, as with many of my other ideas to bring a little spice and romance to the everyday married life. This idea, from an anonymous follower, has been adapted for use on this blog.


I sent hubby out of the house for an hour or so to create a little bit of Hawaii right at home. I'll give you those details in a bit...

When he got home, I was dressed in my best Hawaiian get-up (a flower lei from the dollar store, Hawaiian flower wrap, and a Hawaiian flower clip in my hair... no coconut bra for me. (but that's an idea for you!)

I presented him with his flower lei and a boarding pass for Awewahoo Airlines (get it...Oahu? Awewahoo..? Funny thing. When he first read it, he said "A-we-hoo!" seriously?) and showed him to his seat. Take a look at the boarding pas below... and you'll see why you'll have to create that scene for yourself...   *ahem*

Then, the plane landed and I presented him with his Island Welcome Card:

Oh, and in case you're wondering:
Ho'i Hou Ke Aloha means "Let us fall in love all over again"


 Here's how I pulled the rest of the date off:

The Island's Natural Hot Springs:
(aka: the tub)  Remember those plastic scene setters from this date?  I used those again...but I tinted the water blue-green with food coloring and had a pineapple sipper cup on the ledge filled with punch (see pic below). I found that at Dollar Tree. We were supposed to be "deep in the jungle" so I dimmed the lighting. On my iphone, I had Pandora playing the Hawaiian genre station...

Warm Sands Beach
 (aka: my living room) I took a tan sheet and laid it out to create the "sandy beach". I overlapped it with a blue fuzzy blanket to create the shore line. Again, low lighting since it was an evening on the beach... with music playing from Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole and ocean sounds from my iphone (free app). This is where we enjoyed some "delectable Hawaiian BBQ" of Grilled Teriyaki Chicken Skewers, Cilantro-Lime Rice, and Thick-Baked Bacon Sticks. Our drink was a homemade punch (with white grape juice, raspberry seltzer water, and fresh raspberries).

(okay, I KNOW that is hardly hawaiian at all... but, it was the easiest thing to cook with what I already had in the house!) If you really want to be authentic, try this recipe for Kalua Pork (that I got from friends of ours that live in Hawaii):

ooh, it's delish!


Message in a Bottle 
After dinner, we participated in this island tradition...

This was actually a lot of fun... we were allowed to use our phones in case RhymeZhone came in handy, or whatever... we read our messages to each other before rolling them up into the bottle and shipping it off to sea. :)

 A great theme to get you started on your message:
I "shore" do love you...Who needs Hawaii when loving you is "paradise"? 


Massage on the Beach
Every beach-goer needs sunscreen rubbed on their backs... so, offer a little shoulder and back massage right there on the beach! ....followed by dessert... no, really. dessert. I served peach cobbler. :)

And, I think you can figure out the rest on your own! Be creative and take a look at your local Dollar Store/Craft Store/Variety Store. Hawaiian/Luau things are a dime a dozen right now...

Of course, if you like the date elements I created, they're yours. You'll just have to write it the key elements for the airline ticket. Download HERE

Aloha!

Creative Couple Photos

I don't know if you ooh and ahh over the latest couples photography these days, but I do. Makes me wish I could go back to our dating/engaged days and capture it all in a whole new way. But, just because we are "old married folk", doesn't mean we can't act like newlyweds and capture some great moments of life in creative ways. 

Often times, it's planning how to pose for pictures that is the hardest. Having a plan of what you want is a good idea.  {Trust me, our biggest arguments usually occur during our annual couples photo shoot. Sad, but true. We are smiling, but we usually aren't happy for those few minutes..ha!}

So get your your camera, tripod, and favorite editing software ready.... here are:

Lauren from Busy Bee Lauren and her hubby on a picnic with a polaroid.
I really really really want a picture like this.

Hostess with the Mostess shows you how to MAKE this flashy little heart prop...this could be cool (and a little less "valentiney") in black & white, too!

This would be an AWESOME photo for any of you married/engaged college-goers or college alums! My friend, Rhiannon over at Hey Gorgeous featured this photo from Onelove Photography. In my case, hubby and I would both be holding true-blue BYU signs... :)


I-love this I-Phone Kiss... Did you even know there was such a thing? There is now. I found this HERE through SugarDoodle. There are other versions floating around the web in color...this was just my favorite!

Fairytale Photo...I think so. (found via Tumblr) And guess what? You can snap this one right in the middle of your Bookstore Date. And then you'll live happily ever after...

Barefoot & Fancy Free....  I really love how playful this picture is! If I couldn't see their feet on the ground, I'd think that their shadows actually are leaping into the air for a kiss... (source)

Groom Sold Separately spelled this one out for us, but it's an easy photo to take for yourself. Just grab your scrabble game and a mini tripod...oh, and while you're at it, how about a little Scrabble Date?

You can make each other happy, when skies are gray... How sweet is this? (super sorry...I have no credit to this photo? anyone want to help me out?)

My husband is always asking for pictures where we don't just "stare at the camera and smile". He would like this one from ISPWP Wedding Photos. It's gonna be a tricky one to shoot, though!

I looove photos that capture a real-life story about a couple. In my case, we'd have a bottle of Pepsi and a bottle of Coke side-by-side to showcase our our ongoing battle over which beverage is better. You can draw inspiration from many other sweet, fun-loving shots from Ashley Therese Photography.

...too cute for words --- from Candice K. Photography

From Post Cards & Pretties, this one's a little nerdy, retro, funky....and perfect!

You do the math. Brilliant photo found via Perfectly Practical Bride.

...this Sunset Smooch comes from my own collection of photos (yup, that's me and the Mr.) Sunsets are perfect opportunities for candid, lovey-dovey photos.

AND, finally....this one from sj2 photography, how simple and sweet with the ampersand prop! It's a perfect photo from engagement through 100 years of marriage to celebrate you & the one you love!


This photo session is over... time to start yours! Good luck!